As I begin typing this post, I actually have no idea what i’m going to write about, all I know is that I want to write about the girl I was. So i’m just going to take a deep breath and pour out the words as they come into my heart.
I spoke to a friend from secondary school about 6 years after we had graduated, he commended me for my blog and told me he always knew I had a great sense of humour. This shocked me because I never thought I had any kind of character that was worth noting, because to me, I was this bland, quiet, shy girl that everybody didn’t have a problem with. Everybody kind of liked me, well at least I think most people did. Little did they know that I had insecurities. How and why my insecurities came to be, I don’t know, perhaps it came from attending a secondary school where everybody was all about “what you have”. Now my parents weren’t the richest on the block but they did very well for themselves so this wasn’t really a problem for me. I was also lucky enough to have siblings and cousins that could pass down some “quality things” to me, but I still disliked how materialistic my school was.
Now let’s move on to the insecurities about my body. Being in boarding school came with a lot of necessary “activities”, one of which was bathing in a central bathroom with about 10 other girls at a time. I remember this one time when a girl told me (while laughing hysterically by the way) “Abieyuwa, I can’t tell where your bum ends, it’s as if your bum is joined to your lap” Shet! That got to me deep! Don’t you dare laugh! It’s not funny ?
Back then in school, there was a certain way girl’s pinafores were “supposed” to sit on their bum, it usually had folds where their bum raised up (I hope you understand this explanation), but mine was pretty smooth, no folds. Yes, I had insecurities about my bum, don’t laugh! At some point I started wearing jean short beneath my pinafore just to give my butt that extra “bulge”.
The way I walked. Twice I changed the way I walked because I got laughed at. At first it was that I walked too straight and this earned me the nickname “Robocop” so I decided to relax my walk a bit and then it became that I walked and my head bounced around, and this earned me the nickname “Rice Krispies bubble head” or “Ricey” from my friends. (You guys remember those free toys that came in Rice Krispies packs yea?)
Oh and did I mention, I had these really annoying rash-like pimples on my forehead that refused to go away? A guy in my school made a comment once “You are a fine girl oh, it’s just these pimples that are disturbing your face“. It was so bad that one of my aunt’s actually laid hands on my forehead to pray for me, no it wasn’t a spiritual issue, I just wasn’t washing/scrubbing my face properly.
Fast forward to university and things barely got better, I was skinny and my butt had still not shown up *sigh*. My ex did absolutely nothing to alleviate my insecurities. In fact I think he added to it sef (no offence to him if he reads this), instead he would yab me and say things like “see how skinny you are, instead of you to be eating“. I knew he didn’t like the fact that my bum was practically non existent and this increased my insecurities some more. I was also insecure about my “large” forehead and my dark complexion, thanks to him also…again, no offence and no hard feelings.
The one time I felt my self confidence surfacing, it turned out to be faux confidence, because it was based on someone else’s perception of me.
The girl I was, was an extremely insecure and self conscious girl, the girl I was felt she wasn’t good enough and blamed everything that went wrong on herself, the girl I was didn’t know what it meant to have self love, the girl I was put her happiness in the hands of others, she didn’t know herself, didn’t really have a concrete identity.
The girl I was constantly doubted herself and her abilities, even when she did something awesome her happiness was short-lived and quickly replaced with doubts and worry of “what will people think/say, what if they don’t like it”, this happened a lot when I started this blog.
The girl I was did things because she didn’t want to displease people, she did things even when she didn’t want to. The girl I was didn’t know how to say “no”, she made a lot of mistakes and didn’t always learn from them. She was a girl that found it hard to be happy on her own, she went as far as googling “how to be a happier person” (no jokes…and this is also part of where my love for working out came from) to get tips on well…becoming a happier person.
The girl I was had a truck load of insecurities…
I kind of like the sound of that, “the girl I WAS” and my favorite part of that sentence is “was” because I am no longer that girl, the girl I was has grown and learnt (is still learning). The girl I was has become strong and knows what she wants.
The girl I was has grown into THE WOMAN I AM.